Some people have no idea about the way it feels to have to smile just because everybody's looking...

Anticipation.

I know that I will be wide awake tonight...

Waiting.

I know rhat I will not be able to fall asleep...

Wanting.

I know that the TV will be my only company...

Needing.

I know that the time may never come... 

You.

The Importance of Together...

I don't want it to be you and I 

when it should be us

don't want to hear you

scream

yell

cuss

fight

fuss

enough is enough!

Tonite:

I just wanna...

wrap my legs around u & squeeze real tight

whisper in your ear everything's all right

kiss you in places you've never been kissed

lay in bed all day with you and reminisce

?????

I wish I had the ability to create new words that no one has ever heard of but could just understand the moment they hear them because I'm sitting here thinking and everything is blurry and all I can do is reach into the nothingness of the air and reach for words. 

In bed this silence is surrounding me and I am swimming inside the thoughts in my head while thinking if only I had the right words. The exact words to formulate the perfect synthesis of sentences to make everything that is crammed inside of my head make sense.

Words that could express the exact way I am feeling inside and out. Words that could liberate me and give me an astounding sense of new found freedom. Words that will make everything that is chaotic become calm. Words that will make time stand still and have everyone listen. Words that will roll of my lips and float in the air or land on the lines of these empty pages. Words that will evoke expression on blank faces. Words that will make the heart skip beats while racing. Words that will make all things possible. Words that will cure all ail and make peace tangible. 

Words... 

Where are you?

Why am I up?

Just up. Clothes on. No plan. No purpose. 

Just up. Late night. Early morning. Sitting here. 

Just up. Inside out. Not good. Not bad. Just up.

Thinking

Breathing

Feeling

Wanting

Planning

Needing

Some sleep. 

"Outta Control"

Somehow I managed to get myself

into the most uncompromising predicament

allowing my feelings to lead me to indifference

about a situation that I knew I should have steered clear of

but the flutter of the butterflies had me hypnotized

made me slip and  F

                                         A

                                                L

                                                     L

           into a trance like state where nothing 
even matters at all

as inhibitions began to become nonexistent

I felt myself smiling on the inside

something I'd been missing

and laughing out loud

as my mind began to give my body permission

to be open to the kisses that were placed on my shoulder,

neck, back, and wrist from the most perfect lips

I'd ever had the privilege to kiss... 

Now I'm here wondering if my words have been mis-understood

or my body language mis-read

or was too much said

as I lay here in bed

and wish that he were here

instead of this empty space of nothingness

that could never compare to his face on my pillow

or the scent I know he'd leave behind... 

If only I could rewind

I'd take back my sanity

trade in this chaos

and go back to doing

whatever it is I was doing

before our lives

had the most amazing opportunity to

collide.