The Importance of Together...

I don't want it to be you and I 

when it should be us

don't want to hear you

scream

yell

cuss

fight

fuss

enough is enough!

Tonite:

I just wanna...

wrap my legs around u & squeeze real tight

whisper in your ear everything's all right

kiss you in places you've never been kissed

lay in bed all day with you and reminisce

?????

I wish I had the ability to create new words that no one has ever heard of but could just understand the moment they hear them because I'm sitting here thinking and everything is blurry and all I can do is reach into the nothingness of the air and reach for words. 

In bed this silence is surrounding me and I am swimming inside the thoughts in my head while thinking if only I had the right words. The exact words to formulate the perfect synthesis of sentences to make everything that is crammed inside of my head make sense.

Words that could express the exact way I am feeling inside and out. Words that could liberate me and give me an astounding sense of new found freedom. Words that will make everything that is chaotic become calm. Words that will make time stand still and have everyone listen. Words that will roll of my lips and float in the air or land on the lines of these empty pages. Words that will evoke expression on blank faces. Words that will make the heart skip beats while racing. Words that will make all things possible. Words that will cure all ail and make peace tangible. 

Words... 

Where are you?

Why am I up?

Just up. Clothes on. No plan. No purpose. 

Just up. Late night. Early morning. Sitting here. 

Just up. Inside out. Not good. Not bad. Just up.

Thinking

Breathing

Feeling

Wanting

Planning

Needing

Some sleep. 

"Outta Control"

Somehow I managed to get myself

into the most uncompromising predicament

allowing my feelings to lead me to indifference

about a situation that I knew I should have steered clear of

but the flutter of the butterflies had me hypnotized

made me slip and  F

                                         A

                                                L

                                                     L

           into a trance like state where nothing 
even matters at all

as inhibitions began to become nonexistent

I felt myself smiling on the inside

something I'd been missing

and laughing out loud

as my mind began to give my body permission

to be open to the kisses that were placed on my shoulder,

neck, back, and wrist from the most perfect lips

I'd ever had the privilege to kiss... 

Now I'm here wondering if my words have been mis-understood

or my body language mis-read

or was too much said

as I lay here in bed

and wish that he were here

instead of this empty space of nothingness

that could never compare to his face on my pillow

or the scent I know he'd leave behind... 

If only I could rewind

I'd take back my sanity

trade in this chaos

and go back to doing

whatever it is I was doing

before our lives

had the most amazing opportunity to

collide.

Stuck!

It isn’t the juxtaposition of calm and chaos that gets me

It’s the fact that they compliment each other so well

Perhaps it is true that no one is listening.....

It’s just too bad that I am unable to tell

I own no rationale to describe anything outside of something I know so well

                                                    Where am I to be to find me inside of this empty space?

How come no one else knows I exist here every single day?

Mental Anguish...

The bottom of the deepest darkest hole is where one can find a place where less sleep happens and more thinking than the human body should allow occurs in the depths of your mind as you can't help but think about how on earth did you ever get to the place where nothing else in the whole entire world mattered but the present problem at hand and how are you ever going to concoct the remedy to cure the ail of aching in your soul when words aren't available and things are so scattered about your mind that dots cannot be connected to make sense of the tragedy that is playing out on the stage of your life where you are the protagonist and have just drank from the poisonous vile and your lying there watching yourself deteriorate into absolutely nothing because you can't grasp what exactly is happening and all you really want to know is, how in the hell did I get here?   

No Such Thing...

If we live in a vacuum of time and space then all that is broken can never truly be repaired...

If one claims to forgive but never forgets where is the restitution in that? And what exactly is forgiveness anyway? How does it look? How does it feel? And does anybody own an instruction manual they can lend with a twelve step program on how to commit forgiveness? Or how about a relationship guide entitled Unconditional Love for Dummies that dedicates an entire chapter to forgiving. Cause in actuality how exactly do you forgive something you can't even forget? As the mere idea of whatever it is that caused damage in the first place ruminates and lingers within the crevices of your subconscious mind how do you even begin to forgive the very act that drove you to mere insanity in the first place?

If you shattered a piece of glass and glued it back together the cracks would remain present.